hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
