I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
