sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize