i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
