I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
