just come out here and I will go home with you...
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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