He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
