just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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