can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I don't deserve a penis
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
