just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
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