She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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