I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
