We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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