Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
