Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
