The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
