I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
