I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
