He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
