If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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