She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
