Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
