god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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