Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
