I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
is wine microwaveable?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
