If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
