like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
