I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
