i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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