I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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