all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
