Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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