dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
