does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
