so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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