If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
