It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
