I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
