I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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