just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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