Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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