I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
