You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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