At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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