i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
