dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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