And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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