i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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