Im at strip club and am horny
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
