Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize