oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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