it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You made out with two different species that night
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
