just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
