3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
God, I missed his penis.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
