i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize