yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I have aggressive nipples.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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