Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
