You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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