I have demons in me.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
i believe in u and ur pee
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
