you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
