So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
