Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
