My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
