So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
