Who wears a wallet chain?!
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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