You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize