I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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