I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
