Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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